°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
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Not muting your mic is the new reply all
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
5 ways to appear taller
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap