Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.