A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
How I’d get arrested…
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.