A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Every photo I’m tagged in
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?