Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

How your email finds me

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.