A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
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They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.