A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
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I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
adam and eve had first world problems
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
What
