Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

Seas the day!!!!

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”