A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
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Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
He died doing what he loved: being alive
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE