a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
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Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
🙅🏻
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table