Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.