A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
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When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*