A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
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I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Money is the root of all wealth
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.