A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”