A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
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An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.