A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”![]()
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.