Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.