Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides