A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
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Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!