A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
the greatest twitter interaction
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?