A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Mummies are just super modest zombies
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.