A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
same energy
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
rest in peas
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.