A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.