A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
