Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS