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ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
this is so top tier i cant
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I have obtained a hat
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.