Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

Mornin

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.