Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

british sex workers really pound for pound

who called it hell and not heaven’t

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.