“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
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him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
I try
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.