“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
As per my last nervous breakdown
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.