“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.