Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Optional boss fight.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.