A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
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Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Hey i am sexy to you now
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
