Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

This made me smile…

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

When I face a minor setback

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.