Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

NOT all policemen are strippers.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.