A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
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My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it