A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
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Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.