A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
The two types of wives
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.