Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage