Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you