A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
😂 amazing answer
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.