A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.