Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”

2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

Festive toon…

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.