A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
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How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point