A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks