A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
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I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait