A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information