A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
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I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
who wants to go expliring
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.