A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
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Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Look Ma, no handle on things
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me