A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
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[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
*aggressively waits in line*
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?