A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary