A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I think this cat is broken
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*