Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Owl Sanctuary

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.