A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
