A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
