Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.