Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.