A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
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Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Xylophonist Shredding It
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.