A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
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[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
🤣
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.