A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Life with a cat in one tweet
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Why does laundry happen to good people?
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Wow 🤣
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..