A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
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I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”