A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
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Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go