A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Revenge served cold
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
