*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Cndnsd Mlk
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
