*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
The asteroid..
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
*jingles half the way*
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
