A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
i dont have time for this
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
