A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
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I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking