A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
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what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Breaking news:
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
shit just got real
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.