Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

😂

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted