A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.