Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

i did the math

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly