A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
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I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay