Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid