Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.