Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.