A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.

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[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat


As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:

“Let me see your phone”


*texting with my mom*

Mom: I miss your handsome face!

Me: Aww..thanks, mom! I miss you too!

Mom: Sorry. Wrong number.


BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?


Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Me: Ok
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Me: Wa…what?
Brain: Owned


This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.


Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?


Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.


Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*