HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.
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As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:
“Let me see your phone”
*texting with my mom*
Mom: I miss your handsome face!
Me: Aww..thanks, mom! I miss you too!
Mom: Sorry. Wrong number.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*