I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
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Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My birthstone is a marshmallow